I have decided to Blog about Shane rather than post on Facebook as some are disturbed by things I write. My children are the most important things in my life. Having children was a childhood dream. I played with dolls forever! I am starting this blog with a few facts. After reading them you can decide if you want to read them ever again. At times I will cry, other's I will tell funny stories about Shane. As we all know, he was QUITE a character!!!
First and foremost, many tell me how strong I am, and just as many tell me I need to get help. I have faith in God to help me through and think that faith has helped me alot. I have had Shane come to me in a very real dream and I saw him in heaven, happy and laughing. I have seen light orbs in the dark of night. I have read these are our angels visiting us. I really don't care if you believe or not. I do. This helps me get through this journey I am on. Please don't judge my feelings. They are just that, my feelings. I am getting by in the best way I can. I find many do not want to talk about Shane. Please DO talk about him! When I speak of him it is my way of letting you know it's ok to talk about him. Yes, sometimes I will cry, but other's I will laugh. Please understand, tears are healing. You aren't making me feel bad, and, they usually pass pretty quickly now. When I am having a bad time of it I may just get up and walk away or go home. Please do not think you upset me or I am rude. I am trying to deal with losing a piece of myself, in my own way and in my own time.
I ask you quite simply not to judge how we are doing or what we are doing. I ask for your support in loving us and letting us cry sometimes. I ask you mostly for prayers of peace, comfort and strength. I thing blogging will help me heal and possibly help others.
Right now, Shane's death was brought back in a terrible way with the loss of his lifelong friend Slade Wielinski. I cry for Slade's family, we know the pain of losing a child. Fritz, Slades dad, pointed out a very important thing to me last night. Even though we know the feelings of losing a child, we don't know their pain. It is their pain and it is different for each of us. Well put Fritz. Losing a child is to me, the worst thing that can happen. I asked God why and he is telling me to look at the truths I know. I know there is a heaven, I know Shane is pain free for the first time in 21 years, and I know, without a shadow of doubt he is in heaven. Knowing Shane he's still arguing with God about what his (Shane's) job is up there and just how to do it! God may be wondering why he left him in! (Said with tongue in cheek!) Shane will be the best worker angel God ever had! He never stopped. By the way, do they have beer in heaven? If not I best order a Budlight delivery ASAP! Have a great day all! Do it for your loved ones!
Thanks for sharing Barb. I lost a daughter to SIDS in 1986. I hope you get some peace in your writings. Tom
ReplyDeleteI think this is beautifully written and a tremendous testament to your strength. You have no idea how much you touch others and help those struggling with loss. I will proudly support your blog as you journey through this.
ReplyDeleteThe past few weeks have been tough with all of the deaths in town. Some people I knew well, some I knew, some I knew of and some I know the families. It seems unreal to me that so many people are dying right now. Slades death was a real blow. Felt like I had lost Shane all over again. Going to the funeral was almost more than I could take but knew I must go. I will never forget as long as I live how Slade, with tears in his eyes, told me Shane was his best friend. Losing Slade was such a blow to everyone. I have tried very hard to put it in perspective. He was not my son, and another mother feels the hurt I feel. That hurts so much as I know what she's feeling. I have such good days then I have such bad days. I try hard not to think about Shane because I can not function when I do. If I allow my mind to think about the loss and the love it is almost more than I can bear. Some days I laugh and feel guilty then some days I cry and feel guilty. I know no one wants to hear me cry!! I also know I am not fun to be around sometimes. This week has been a weepy week for me. I miss Shane with such a ache I just can't describe it. I hurt for his kids and Shelly, and yes Dawn too. I hurt for my kids and their spouses and my grandchildren. Mostly I worry about what will happen to Morgan, Rayna and Mason. They are all I have left of my wonderful son. I know I need to do my best to "be there" for all of them, and be sure they grow up being independent, courteous, kind people. It is what Shane strove for in his life. Every time I think of his funeral I think I need to apologise to everyone that was there. I cried so much I really don't know who was or wasn't there. I am sure it was uncomfortable for others. I hated seeing that casket closed. The last time I'd see his handsome face, touch him, be able to kiss him. Life is so unfair. He had been through so much. Why would this happen? I truly believe God knew he needed a rest. So many pople have been so kind. I can't thank them enough. It has helped tremendously! Wish one of them was here to hold me right now. The tears just won't stop tonight. I want my son back.
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